Most of you don't know how to be in love

Maybe no one ever taught you how to love but somehow you know a lot about it. I'm here to tell you how you learned that thing in your head and teach you to know if it's the right thing.

Feb 01, 2026

Hey there,

Hey there, I hope you had an amazing week. I had an incredibly busy one myself. A couple of things happened that just kept filling my day. There was always something to do, something to be up to, something to navigate.

However, in the midst of all the fun activities and things that were happening, I have been starting new things, walking in the direction of the goals I set for myself, and enjoying the responses that have come from the newsletter article on Where Are the Good and Quality Men? It was my way of capturing my observations on the quality of men, not from a standpoint of “oh, there are no quality men,” but more from a career and personal standpoint of knowing how to be better myself. It was about trying to figure out how to be better and also serving as a general notification to everyone else that there is a deficit or discrepancy in the development of ladies versus the development of guys.

The idea was just to get started on the subject and see where it went from there.

I analyzed two cases. The first case was a friend of mine who, because of the dynamic of the relationship she has with her parents, has not been experiencing the best time since she decided she wanted to have her own place. A lot of traditional household expectations came out of that situation, expectations that are not properly aligned with something that should be happening in 2026. There were also a couple of words thrown around that, in my opinion, can be hurtful to any child’s experience.

The second case was an example of how success can be relegated to luck or gender if you are a female. I know there is a male equivalent of this, but my main concern is the fact that men are often the ones perpetrating this narrative. The idea that because someone is a lady, that is why she is successful. These are probably the same kinds of men who would go on to undervalue their partner’s success, attributing it to gender instead of hard work. They are also the kind of men who perceive women as people who can only be successful if there is some form of sexual involvement or a certain level of attractiveness.

These two scenarios allowed me to spiral into the reality of a new dynamic, one where there are genuinely uneducated and unempathetic men who will eventually become husbands, fathers, and sons. I attempted to go on a journey to understand how this can be worked on, both on an individual level and as a collective.

I received a lot of responses from men who were glad that awareness was being brought to this topic. For many of them, it was probably their first time, or one of the first few times, thinking deeply about the gap in male development and quality, largely because there is not enough intentional investment in that direction.

From that, I suggested three things.
First, become a better man yourself.
Second, find a way to advocate for, associate with, and equip other men to be better.
Third, raise better men.

Many people are still stuck on the first part, becoming a better man. But just by looking around, while there are frameworks that make this possible, there are not enough communities that support it.

As part of exploring this further, I hosted a Twitter Space on X over the weekend to discuss how men can be better and to hear women’s perspectives. Most of the responses I got from women agreed with the narrative that there are a lot of not-so-good men out there, but some also acknowledged that there are men who are genuinely doing okay and trying to do better.

The purpose of that Space, and the article, was to raise the bar on what a good man is and to find ways to actively contribute as individuals.

Flowing from that thought, I want to explore the idea of love itself, specifically how most of us learned to love or learned what love is supposed to look like.

There are eight key points in the average person’s life, whether male or female, where they learn what love looks like, feels like, or how it should be expressed. One thing we should all be clear about is that most people do not learn to love intentionally. They absorb it, and when they become adults, they begin to unlearn the unhealthy parts.

If you see your parents being romantic with each other, you grow up believing romance is an integral part of marriage. If you grow up in a home where love is defined as the father working and providing while the mother takes care of the children, that becomes your definition of marriage and love. If you watch a movie like Romeo and Juliet, you might be compelled to believe that love is pure, true, and sacrificial, even when the consequences are extreme. If you watch Friends, you might start to think love is built on strong friendship, community, longevity, and waiting for the person you love.

All of this shows that most of us never really sit down to learn love, yet we feel it, know it, and live it.

If even one line here made you pause, rethink, or feel more focused—imagine the impact of getting this kind of clarity every week. Hit subscribe and don’t miss the next one.

Today, I want to break down the eight points of contact where people learn to love or become people who experience love. This is a love-centered article, but not in the sense of romance alone or because February has Valentine’s Day. It is an attempt to highlight something most people do not consciously pay attention to, something that runs in our subconscious.

If you do not learn to love properly, you are likely to experience awkward family dynamics that expand or transfer trauma to your children. If you do not learn to love properly, you may not know how to react when genuine love is shown to you.

Love is important not just in romantic settings, but in families, friendships, workplaces, and society at large. It affects how we measure, give, reciprocate, and coexist with other human beings. Love is a strong factor in community building, and I believe our nation would be better if people understood it more deeply.

That is why this analysis is necessary.

The first point is family and early home life. How you were cuddled, how your crying was responded to, how conflict was resolved, whether you heard loud voices, whether you had siblings, how your parents responded to your needs and pain, all of these shaped your idea of love. If you were taught that pain is for weak people, that emotions are not for men, or that being a housekeeper is the core of being female, those experiences form your definition of love. For many, especially in typical Nigerian households, that becomes the limit of what love is.

The second point is culture and community. Extended family, neighbors, tribe, gender roles, power dynamics, and responses to authority all influence how love is expressed and understood.

The third point is religion or moral framework. A Muslim upbringing may frame love as something that can be shared among multiple spouses, while a Christian upbringing often presents love as linear and exclusive, even though some biblical examples complicate this idea.

The fourth point is media, which is one of the biggest influences today. Movies, music, and social media teach us what love looks like. From romantic idealization to equating love with sex or infidelity, media shapes expectations deeply.

The fifth point is school and peer groups. Friendships and social interactions teach us what love looks like among equals, whether through companionship, loyalty, or shared experiences.

The sixth point is past romantic relationships. First love often sets a precedent, reinforcing or dismantling the beliefs formed earlier in life.

The seventh point is education and therapy. Emotional education, conflict resolution, attachment styles, and counseling are largely missing from formal education in Nigeria, creating a gap in how love is understood and practiced.

The eighth point is self-reflection and personal growth. Many people only begin to understand love after experiencing pain or failure. Through books, courses, therapy, and reflection, people can rewrite their understanding of love.

All these points can have positive or negative effects. Dysfunction in any of them can distort how we give or receive love.

If you choose to rework your understanding of love, there is a scriptural framework to follow. First Corinthians 13:4–8 outlines what love should look like: love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil, rejoices with the truth, always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres, and never fails.

If the love you experience or give does not align with these principles, it is okay to question it and reinvent yourself.

The quality of society, partners, workplaces, and communities we desire stems from these values. They are often trivialized, yet they are foundational.

I started this newsletter to document my experiences and share the decisions and indecisions that have shaped my journey, so that anyone in their 20s can learn and be better equipped to face their realities. Anyone who lacks healthy love is set up for dysfunction, but in your 20s, you can rewrite the narrative.

Love is not a seasonal trend. It is the framework through which we view life, relationships, and associations. Understanding this changes how we show up in society.

Let me know what you think of my thought process today.
Cheers.

In summary

Understanding love is fundamental to how well a society works.
We have to comes to terms with the fact that we don’t know enough about the subject and take active steps to close that knowledge gap.

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